Distance
by Phoebsfan
Summary: A Post Ep for The Glass Ballerina. Sawyer's POV.


Distance

Post Ep for _The Glass Ballerina_

Disclaimer: Lost belongs to ABC, J. J., and a bunch of other people in no way connected with me.

----

He can't touch her.

It's never meant so much to him before.

Before he crashed on this island there were women, loads of them. But not one had been able to evoke this kind of desperate need in him. Not one of them had made him ache inside like this.

Cass had come close. He thinks sometimes that maybe she could have filled the hole he dug for himself. Thinks maybe it would have been possible to let her in, if he just would have held out. But life had gotten in the way. Consequences of his own making had ruined that chance for them.

With Kate he has a million opportunities. When Kate smiles he's reminded of that.

His life, her's... Here on this island they can begin again.

For so long he's tried to forget that, told himself he could never change. But he's found that bit by bit, piece by little piece, she is changing him.

At first it terrified him, knowing that he would give her almost anything she wanted, just to make her happy. Placing her needs before his. So he fought it, pushed against the bond she was forming, tore away all the little strings she tied around his heart.

He doesn't understand how it could hurt so much, he's used to being on his own. To not caring. Yet when he finds himself alone, out of her favor, he feels like he's bleeding all over the place. Like a large portion of him is missing.

He doesn't understand this new feeling, of wanting to hold her in more than a physical way. Of wanting to wrap her up and keep her away from everything that could possibly hurt her. He knows she's a strong woman, knows she would hate for him to try that.

He blames it on the dress, on the marks on her wrists, on the way her eyes glisten in the darkness. Her voice catches on his name.

He tells her she tastes of strawberries, which isn't all together true. She tastes of sweat and tears, of wind and rain. She tastes like freedom and life. But he doesn't want to scare her away, she's so skittish when it comes to this, so he settles for sweet. She's not ready to hear how she breathes the life back into him, makes him wonder if for her he could change, become a better man.

And he's not the kind of man who would tell her those things anyway. He's a man of action, which makes the distance between them all the more unbearable.

He couldn't miss that look in her eyes when she asked him about the Other's faces, when she asked if he'd seen their fear, that untamed look of pride, of lust. He thought he'd die from the need to be next to her, running his hands over her, drowning in her lips.

She might as well be on another planet for all the distance between them. It's on his mind all the time now. He never thought about her this much before, when he wanted to touch her, he would.

He'll give anything just to simply brush her arm.

He is so damn pathetic. Becoming obsessive about it.

He supposes it's cause he isn't good at no. Always wants what he can't have.

Kate has always been off limits. It's never been more black and white than right now. He can look all he wants, think about it, crave it. But he can only steal a few moments of contact, a few exhilarating seconds of her skin against his.

That was what had motivated him earlier. Looking over at her, suffering, miserable and alone, and so fucking beautiful he could barely stand it. She really had no idea.

Sure he'd been planning a way to test them all morning, ever since he woke up in that damn cage really. But he'd never intended to get her involved in it, never intended to risk her life as well. And then she'd been so... so... Kate. He hadn't been able to stop it.

Once he's made up his mind about something, there's no stopping him. Which apparently he'd done when he caught her wiping the sweat from her forehead, bent over in the sun. He wonders if she knows exactly what she does to him. Knows exactly how it tugs at him.

She's always been manipulative, he loves her for it, but sometimes he wonders if she's just playing him. Surely she can't be so naive. She'd called him on checking her ass out, she had to know he was thinking about more than her ass.

Needing more than just her presence.

He'll be the first to admit, sex is not an option here, but he doesn't just want that with her anymore. He'll sell whatever is left of his soul, to hold her hand. Die happy, if he can wrap her in his arms once more.

Especially when she looks at him like she does now. When he can see his need reflected in her eyes. When he can see her struggle, hear it in her voice.

When he knows the only things that separate them now are made of iron, rusty, and physically holding them back.

When she kisses him back, answers him look for look, taste for taste.

They communicate with their eyes mostly now. Telling secrets no one can hear, but are obvious to anyone who looked.

He knows that when they let him out of here he will touch her again. He will try and kiss her again. Feeling like this makes him stupid. Makes him forget things, like where he is and what he should and should not do.

No amount of electricity is going to cancel out the charge he gets from her. No amount of pain erase the pain of missing her.

He knows he should be more cautious, but that has never been his style. For the first time in a long time he feels alive. She's done that to him.

He feels defiant, not complacent. That feeling that had taken him by surprise, he's been so easy going lately, so willing to do what people want him to. He doesn't know when it had quietly taken over, but looking back it's all he sees, a dreary dull complacency that sucked the life out of all his interactions.

Her kiss has charged him again. The fight is back.

He sees it's back for her as well. He tries not to feel to proud, tries not to think that it was his kiss that pulled her out of herself again. Put the spark back in her eyes.

They'd be royally screwed if they started to fall for each other. Just end up broken in the end.

But he still tastes her, still feels her skin on his.

She smiles and he's lost again. Grips the bars that separate them, squeezes so hard his hands start to go numb.

She smirks, tells him she's tired and is going to sleep.

He watches, wishes he was the rock she slept on, the air surrounding her, the breeze that teased her hair. Wishes he could kiss her softly, whisper in her ear, feel her body shake with laughter as he pressed her close.

So he's never wanted something so badly. Never been so frustrated.

When they get out of here, she's going to know. Every minute he can't touch her now, ever second, he's counting. Adding up a list of missed opportunities in his mind. He will pay her back, with interest.

He sits and watches her, coming up with a new list. A list of ways he can get around these rules, of places and ways he can touch her without them knowing. He plans to seize every opportunity he can.

It's the only way he's going to get through this.

And if their earlier conversation was any indicator, he thinks maybe she's up for the game. That finally her head is in it, as well as her heart.

It's a new and exhilarating side of her that he can't wait to explore.

Hopefully he won't have to wait too long.


End file.
